The Walking Stupid

As part of my daily ritual I always check the latest news reports on Wired, Ars Technica, and a couple other sites. Then I read anything that catches my eye, always looking for something to write about. This morning I found an article on Wired asking lawyers and psychologists to analyze “The Walking Dead.”

The Editorial Staff at Wired

I don’t watch that program for several reasons: I am not especially fond of the zombie genre, I wasn’t impressed with the pilot of the show, and apparently the only reason people watch it is so they can hate the characters. So I have politely ignored it for some time now, despite the fact that Wired never shuts up about it.

This morning’s article, however, truly takes the cake in the “We Need to Fill Some Space on the Homepage No Matter How Moronic the Article.” category. I would recommend you read it just so you can see how low the standards are for publication over at Wired.

I can understand the psychologists being interested in something like this because their job is to study the human mind and the way it reacts to it’s environment. Should a zombie apocalypse actually occur, it would be nice to have a couple people on hand who can identify the insane people among the survivors, and hopefully point them out quickly. Lawyers, on the other hand, exist solely to argue about shit. That is their gig, they like to argue with people. That makes them extremely expendable in a Zombie War since the dead don’t really have much to say.

The lawyers, on the other hand, are the ones who really piss me off. They actually ask Do the Undead Have Legal Responsibilities?  I’m not making that shit up, they actually asked that question. This is a sign of how low and vulgar the legal profession has become, they are such parasites that they can find the money even in the extinction of the human race. They didn’t ask this question because they want to conduct criminal trials, that would be beyond stupid. They want to conduct civil trials and sue the survivors for whatever they can get. There is no other explanation for the question “Do the undead have legal responsibilities?

I will concede the idea that survivors would be held legally accountable for crimes committed during the Zombie War, but those crimes would be restricted to rape for fairly obvious reasons. Are you going to charge someone with grand theft auto because they stole an ambulance to make an escape? Going to charge people with looting for stealing guns and ammunition to fight the war, or for stealing food to survive? Only 21st Century American lawyers would have the audacity to tell you to keep the law in mind during an Apocalypse.

The true disappointment, however, is a respected publication like Wired.com treating this stupidity as if it made any sense at all, even as a thought experiment. There are no standards anymore…or maybe they are so low we just can’t see them.

World War Zzzzz: Why I’m Not Excited About the New Brad Pitt Movie

So, recently I did a thing about the movies of 2013.  And on that list, I said I would return to World War Z at a later time to elaborate on the comments I made.  I think now is a good time to do that so if it turns out I am right I can add 2 paragraphs to this column and rerun it when the movie comes out.  That’s called “advanced planning” kids, even if it is sometimes confused with “laziness.”

WWZ

Man I wish I hadn’t eaten that bran muffin an hour ago.

The picture above is the fade-in on the trailer for World War Z.  Please take note of how thick the traffic is, because that will be kind of important in a minute.

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:28 seconds in, Pretty Boy. You DO know this is a Zombie flick, right?

 

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Ooooh, photo op!

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is :25 into the trailer, and as you can see the side-view mirror of the car is missing as a police motorcycle just clipped it as the cop rode in-between the tightly packed cars you saw in the first shot, and can sorta see in this second one.

 

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Did anyone get the number?

No, but we know it was from PWD.

No, but we know it was from PWD.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another cop comes along, this one on foot, to tell Brad Pitt to “Move along, you Lookie Lou!” when he gets plowed into by a goddamn runaway garbage truck.  A garbage truck that is nowhere to be seen in that opening shot of bumper-to-bumper traffic that stretches a mile or more in either direction.  Further, it isn’t slowed down in the slightest by all of the vehicles it had to have collided with on it’s way to the unfortunate police officer up there.  And of course, there is no indication that this nightmare is coming because it is apparently being stealthy as it plows through traffic on it’s way to killing the cop.

Then, about 1:15 into the trailer everyone who somehow managed to never hear about this book learns that it is about zombies when they see this shot.

Live for the SWARM!

Live for the SWARM!

I wish I could have gotten a cleaner screenshot for you, but I assure you, watch that trailer, you’ll see it.  Instead of just hiring human extras, they decided to CGI in some zombies, and guess what?  It looks like they decided to CGI in some zombies instead of hiring actors to do it.

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King of the Hill!

And it is even more apparent in this scene, although I will freely admit it is a little more forgivable due to the sheer number of people involved.  Not because of cost, but because of the possibility of someone getting seriously hurt.  Which, in the early days of Hollywood, was never a concern at all.  Which is why so many older movies are so much more awesome than what you see today.

I don’t want to discount the movie too soon, but the bad CGI and the silliness of the garbage truck scene do not really make me all that confident that this one isn’t going to be a Ghost Rider.